Since Ben was born at 34 weeks, my family began to panic realizing that his expected birthday at the end of April was approaching.  They wanted to do something special for Pam and me.  My mom called me up and asked what the family could do.  I’m one of six kids and we are all [...]

About a month after Ben died we got a package.  I love packages.  I love presents, so even if I ordered something for myself on the web and even if I paid for it, it’s still exciting.  Sometimes I even forget what I ordered, which makes it even more exciting. I brought the package in [...]

Reading the Bible has always been difficult for me.  When I took the SATs I could handle almost every part until it came time for me to reading comprehension.  I clearly remember having no clue what I was reading. When I got to college it didn’t get much better, I was just forced to do [...]

The day after we buried Ben the clouds disappeared and a clear warm day somehow escaped past March’s cold rainy grip.  We buried Ben about a mile from where we live in a place that we drive by constantly.  At first it seemed like a great idea: we would always be near him.  But the [...]

Hello Hello!  I haven’t posted in some time now and wanted to give everyone an update.  The update is that there are lots of updates!  This coming weekend I’m going to be posting a lot.  There is so much that is happening in our story that we want to share with all of you.  At [...]

After Ben’s service we put everything in his little casket that we wanted to bury with him: letters from Pam and I, a laminated picture of us with a note from us, a copy of The Lion, The Which, and The Wardrobe, a stuffed animal Lion we named Aslan, and my sister put in a [...]

I want to explain as much as I can about the actual service that we held for Ben.  It was, beyond a doubt, one of the most beautiful, powerful, and painful experiences of my life.  For those of you who weren’t there, I hope this gives you a taste of what it was like.  For [...]

Pam and I woke up Monday morning in a fog. We picked our clothes out in that fog. We got dressed in that fog. And we waited for Pam’s best friend to pick us up in that fog. I’ve read from multiple people in multiple books that none of us knows how to face death [...]

Sunday night, the day before Ben’s funeral Pam and I were so twisted inside.  I remember telling Pam that I had this feeling of excitement mixed with nausea thinking of getting to see Ben one more time. The funeral director also goes to our church.  His name is Larry.  He was amazing to us.  He [...]

After I finished created Ben’s CD that night with Pam, I didn’t know that Pam began to quietly panic about what she was going to do or give to Ben.  Here I made this CD for him to hand out at the funeral and she couldn’t think of one thing to do. A toy from [...]

For those of you who know me well, you know that I love to make mixes for people.  Music changes everything.  God uses music to speak to me and I use music to talk with people.  Sometimes a song just says it so much better. I knew the first thing that I needed to make [...]

Ben was born and died on Tuesday, early in the morning, March 10th of 2009.    At first we thought Ben’s funeral was going to be on Saturday, but because of the severity of Pam’s condition we spent a week in the hospital and had to wait until that Monday.  Pastor Brian and Larry Gay from [...]

When I first moved to York I was in a class lead by Brian Rice on Leadership.   There is one lesson he taught that I’ll never forget.  Hopefully I remember it well enough to represent it well. Brian said to us that when people first become followers of Jesus there are a couple steps that [...]

Death is so hard for me to face.  It’s been sometime now since I’ve posted.  I was doing so well too.  Every time I get the nerve to write my body becomes boneless and I just can’t move.  It’s so hard for me to write.  It’s hard because I want to dig deep for people [...]

My wife and I choose one name for our son before he was born: Benjamin Edward.  Benjamin after Pam’s Poppy, and Edward after my Father, my Pop-Pop, and my own middle name.  Ben.  Benny.  Big Ben.  This was the name I wanted for my boy.  I wanted to call him this his whole life.  It [...]

My Mom-Mom delivered a child who died between my mom and her brother.  They never knew if they had a boy or a girl, they just removed her baby from the room. Before my Pop-Pop died he told us that when he went to heaven he would finally get to know if he had a [...]

I love my wife.  We stood in front of all our friends and family and made our love a permanent commitment.  I would do anything for her . . . most of the time.  But if I’m honest, my love for Pam is a choice. I know this doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s the truth.  [...]

For the past several months, since the start of Pam’s pregnancy, she has been trying to train me for the delivery of our baby.  This always happened in a couple stages. She would describe, in detail, what it was like when her cousin Stacy gave birth to her two little girls.  Stacy wanted Pam in [...]

On my drive home I talked with my dad shortly.  He informed me, and it was the first time I understood, that Pam was dying.  My dad said that Pam is really sick and I needed to talk with her.  She was waiting for me to be with her, so I could be with her [...]

When my plane landed one of my best friends, Tim called me right away.  I had sent him a text right before my plane lifted off to DC.  Tim called to tell me about an organization called, “Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.”  He told started to tell me what it was, and I [...]

Pam keeps asking me, “John, what were you thinking on your trip home?” Waiting for the plane I wept in a corner looking away from people.  The flight home was no different.  I was just quieter.  The same plane that took me to San Fransisco was refueled and returning to DC with me on it. [...]

I arrived at Dulles at 5:30am for my 7:00am flight.  I got on the plane which already started boarding at 6:30, a half hour before take off.  I took a seat next to Pradip, my CIO, who was extremely relieved to see me.  Apparently, John (an old Navy Diver and my CEO) and Pradip (a [...]

Our flight was out of Dulles at 7am which is a two hour drive from where I live.  I was so nervous about not making the flight that I asked some good friends, Monte and Lori, if I could stay with them for the night since they live just a couple miles from the airport. [...]

I work in a grey cube.  There are florescent lights buzzing all around me.  When I got in my cube for the first time, I climbed up on the desk, and unscrewed a total of 16 florescent bulbs.  I drive an hour and  a half everyday to work both ways.  I also carpool with two [...]