009 Meet My Son
Ben and his deer
My Mom-Mom delivered a child who died between my mom and her brother. They never knew if they had a boy or a girl, they just removed her baby from the room.
Before my Pop-Pop died he told us that when he went to heaven he would finally get to know if he had a boy or a girl.
Pam’s Gramma also delivered a baby that only lived a very short time. She was a girl. She saw it quickly as they removed the baby from the delivery room as they tried to save her. Pam often tells me that Gramma says, “she had jet black hair.” Her name was Mary Jane.
Gramma was in a room with 3 other women who also delivered. Gramma was the only one not to get a baby back. They told her she died and that she would be burried. To this day she doesn’t know where Mary Jane is buried, if she ever even was.
Times have changed.
When my son came out, the nurses of York Hospital cleaned my son up, clothed him, weighed him, took his foot prints, took these pictures on thier own, and handed him back to us for as long as we wanted. They are my heroes.
How can I even begin to process my son’s death? That’s why they gave us what they could: anything from that night. The yellow blanket in these pictures to his blue hat: it’s priceless to us. The stupid deer made in China you see him hold? It was the only toy he got to touch. It’s not so stupid anymore. It’s our most prized possession. These pictures have helped us, healed us, and have help us cry out for him.
Time is my friend; it helps me to move on and walk away from my pain. Time is also my enemy; forgetting is the most painful part. These pictures help us see what we can no longer see.
To the nurses at York Hospital who served us in our deepest pain all week: you have no idea how much each of you healed us that night and the following days. We will never forget how you treated our son with all the dignity he deserves. Thank you for giving us that deer.
Ben was born at 12:45am, March 10, 2009. The nurses said he could stay with us for two days in our room for all they cared. It was up to us. After 4am, just around 4 hours later, his little hands and face started to get cold. It was time for him to leave and go downstairs.
Those 4 hours changed my life forever.
o ben,
i see you have your father’s hair and shape of his head. i miss you. i wish i could have held you warm and wet and yelling here. and given you kisses on the back of your neck.
but now you are kissed and fed, and warmed over where faith is sight. i know you are yelling there too. working on that sleeping through the night thing… but as time stands still where you are, while we in another dimension wait for our time to hurry on — i know we will see you as you have been at the beginning and enjoy you all over.
much love,
aunt court
ps do you like the color yellow? your mommy and daddy have a yellow house. did you know that?
john,
i’m so glad you are doing this – for you – and i feel so privileged to be able to hear your thoughts. i hope we get to talk more in person at some point. i resonate with so much of what you’ve shared. from your sunday school post – i will never forget my first easter after adam died, when i finally understood what the cross was all about. and why it was so important to jesus for us to “do this in remembrance of me.”
your son is beautiful. thank you for posting his pictures. i pray for you and pam constantly.
much love,
michele
I’m speechless that you even want to journey with me. I would love to get together with you and Tom much sooner than later. I would love to meet your son. I think it’s tough for Pam and I to be around newborns, but maybe we can work something out where we all can go out to dinner or something? That would be awesome.
i absolutely want to journey with you. i can’t imagine where i’d be if you hadn’t walked my road with me. we can definitely do dinner, and we can do it without kids. no expectations on you to meet sam anytime soon. we’ll be in touch.
Benjamin was beautiful in everyway. May our Son’s fly high together and play in God’s garden. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could say or do to take the pain away. This is a pain that no one should every feel. Again he was so amazing and handsome!
http://www.inmemoryofmicahcorrinking.com