006 Deep Breath
York Hospital in a 1904 Postcard
On my drive home I talked with my dad shortly. He informed me, and it was the first time I understood, that Pam was dying. My dad said that Pam is really sick and I needed to talk with her. She was waiting for me to be with her, so I could be with her when she delivered. Pam was still waiting after my 6 hour flight. My dad said it was critical that she had this baby as soon as possible. So I got on the phone and I told her that I was on my way. I told her not to wait, but to start trying now.
I found out later that Pam never really had a choice. The doctors were going to make Pam have this baby. What happened is that Pam got a condition that is fairly common with pregnant women: Preeclampsia. On top of this she also was diagnosed with HEELP Syndrome. No doctor knows how women get it, but they know the cure: delivering the baby. Preeclampsia and HEELP Syndrome can become so severe that it can kill the baby and the mother. This is the situation Pam was in.
What doctors do know is that Preeclampsia and HEELP Syndrome have something to do with a mother’s placenta. And the cure for my wife was removing the placenta.
It took me a total of 10 hours when it was all said and done to get back on the plane, get into my jeep, and finish the drive from Northern Virginia to get to York. I was numb.
I don’t remember parking. I don’t remember asking where Pam’s room was. I don’t remember if someone met me in the main lobby. I vaguely remember seeing my dad. I think he was waiting for me and he took me to Pam. What I do remember was seeing Pam for the first time. I can’t remember driving into York, but I will never forget seeing my wife. It’s in my mind permanently.
Pam’s platelets should be around 200,000. Her’s went all the way down to 30,000. At 20,000 the doctor told us that we wouldn’t be able to stop her bleeding, since platelets are the factors of your blood that help you clot, and stop bleeding. Pam’s lungs began to fill up with fluid. Her kidneys began to shut down. She was white as a ghost. My wife, an incredibly healthy woman at 33 was dying. I didn’t fully realize this until I saw her. As soon as I walked in, the entire family quietly exited and left us alone.
Here we were, two young kids, faced with death. We were about to meet our dead child, and my wife was fighting for her life with a broken heart. We had just entered hell together. Together, we took a deep breath.
I am like a sister to Pam, and losing the baby that day was like some horrible nightmare that would soon end. Surely we would wake up and all would be well, that is how it always worked right??? Wrong! Soon we came to realize that Pam was in grave danger, i didn’t understand that until days later, losing the baby was horrible but losing Pam in my family was more then i can handle. In my opinion , we were on the same level in our family and without her i would be totally lost. I thank God for modern medicine and for allowing Pam to live. All who love John and Pam suffered that day. We will never be the same.
Thank you John for sharing your heart in such a real, deep and meaningful way…
For allowing us to be a part of such sacred ground.
To be able to walk beside you and Pam during your darkest hours…
What a privilege it is to be near and hold your hands.
It was an unfathomable day. I will never forget. I still need to catch my breath at times.
Thank you for putting to paper(html/blog), in a place where it is a struggle to find the words.
I love you Miller Family,
John, Pam and Benjamin.
Forever changed,
Tina
Tina and Stacy,
You have no idea what a pillars you are in our lives. Pam and I would be lost without you. Thank you for literally walking in our shoes. Your love for us, and Ben, is amazing.
John:
Beautiful and moving thoughts. i look forward to more.
Would you mind if i posted a link to this on the lci blogsite?
brian
Brian,
Go for it. I’m just trying to process out loud what happened. If I don’t write, I know I’ll forget. God has taught me so much, and I don’t want to loose it. I haven’t yet gotten to what I’m learning, because I’m still telling. We’ll see what comes out. I’m humbled to have anyone journey with me.
John,
I am so glad for this blog. Thanks for doing it; it’s really helpful for me. I had lots of questions about the details of things and I’m understanding more and more as I read. Like Pam I wondered about what you were thinking on your flight home. Thanks for sharing. I hate that this has happened to you guys. I hate that this blog is even necessary. But since it did happen to you I’m glad you’re willing to share your thoughts with those of us who love you.
Kara,
I love that you’re reading this. It’s hard to talk about, but it’s much easier to type it. It’s crazy how a single phone call, or sentence from another person can permanently alter your life. I guess that’s what this is about… but we’ve all experienced sentences like that. We’re on this journey together.
John